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Trina O'Gorman

On Keeping a Notebook
  • Home
  • Living Fearlessly
  • On Keeping A Notebook
  • Write.
  • Warrior Writing
  • About Trina
Notebooks dating from October 2014 to January 2017

Notebooks dating from October 2014 to January 2017

The Words Keep Coming, Please.

October 1, 2017

Much of what I write makes little to no sense at all, at first. Usually, I know what I want to say or write. It's on the tip of my tongue and on the tip of my pen, but as soon as my pen touches the paper, it tries to get away, and the words come out messy and jumbled. They run away and try to hide from me in the recesses of my mind. They try to hide behind memories of people and memories of things that happened to me. They try to blend in with the crowd of thoughts I have about the day's current events, things I read in the news or heard somewhere. They try to make themselves part of that. But I keep writing.

I write until the thoughts run clear. I always encourage my students to do the same thing. It's like the water that comes from an old tap. Rusty and brown at first. And then, if you keep letting it run, it runs out clear enough to drink. but that takes time and patience. And it isn't until the words start to flow more clearly, that I actually come to know what I am thinking. Prior to that, it's all lost in the white noise of my head and really makes no sense at all. 

"What are you thinking," someone asks. And as soon as I start to answer, I realize I have absolutely no idea, even though it seems so clear in my mind's eye. But when I try to bring the thought into consciousness, try to breathe real life into them, I find they are rusty water and I sound quite idiotic. 

My notebooks are filled with a lot of rusty water and a bit of clear water, but it's all water. And water is life. And so are our thoughts, our stories. We are nothing without them. We cannot explain what has happened or what we hope will happen without them. We cannot say who we are or who we wish to be. They are our hope and our dismay. They are symbols of our pleasure and pain. They are our feelings. We cannot feel without words to tell us what to feel and why we are compelled to feel. 

Words are life. 

So often I hear people ask how I find the words. How do I not find them? They are wreaking havoc, fighting for space and a place in my mind. I have to let them out. I wonder if the minds of others are quiet. My mind has never been quiet. There's constant chattering, murmuring, so much talking all at once, ideas and thoughts colliding. I mean, they try to get away, but I go after them. It's either them or me. 

← The Challenge of SingletaskingLiving With Gratitude is a Process →
A few days ago, in a town not far from here, a horrific accident took place, resulting in the deaths of a father, son, and gas station attendant. The accident was caused by a man, who lost control of his vehicle, as he overdosed on drugs. Responders gave him Narcan at the scene, and reversed the affects of the drugs, essentially saving his life. ⁣⁣
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In report after report, commenters demanded to know why. Why had they saved this miserable soul, feeling that he should have been immediately condemned to death because of his actions. He took the lives of three people, in a moment, tragically and horrifically. ⁣⁣
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Ugh. ⁣⁣
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Things like this cause me to rethink my entire view on everything. Everything. What if my loved ones had died at his hands? Surely, I’d want blood. It’s that simple. Kill him, I’d say. ⁣⁣
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I’d say that in that moment. I have no doubt in my mind. I’d kill him myself. ⁣⁣
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And yet, I believe there is nothing so unique in me that separates me from this “monster.” I believe I am no better than this drug addict or that thug or that whatever. I think I am no worse than that activist or that saint or that hero. I think we all embody all of those qualities. All of them. Each one of us. Each one of them. ⁣⁣
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We are all the saints and all the monsters. If you cannot imagine it/how/why, then it’s because you are not imaginative. Knowing this makes forgiveness an obligation, and yet it is so hard. So hard. For even the simplest of infractions. Yet, it is our duty, if we are at all self-aware.
How can you rewrite a story that brings you down, so that it lifts you up? You’re the editor of your life story.
When people asks me about my life, I tell them a story. When they ask me about my marriage, I tell them a story. When they ask me about my separation and subsequent divorce, I tell them a story. When they ask me what it’s like being a mother, I’ve got stories. I choose which characters and events I’m going to focus on. I’m going to decide which conflicts to share, which resolutions matter, which lessons to learn. The stories always substantiated my state. ⁣⁣
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I love being a mother. I’m going to tell you great stories. I describe my marriage and divorce as difficult, and I can give you all of the reasons why. The reasons will justify my state of mind. ⁣⁣
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If I change the narrative arc, can I change my state of mind? Can I create a positive outcome from of a marriage that “failed,” a relationship that was volatile and painful based on the way I tell story and my focus, not to sugarcoat the truth, but to change my experience’s power over me? ⁣⁣
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I think I can and will...because it’s all a story and there are million ways to tell it.
Sometimes it might feel like people are trying to beat you down. You have to lift you up. You can’t be one of the ones doing the beating. I hear people saying so many negative things about themselves, about life, about others — either complaining or just spewing negativity. ⁣
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I’m not for being positive all the time. I’m not happy all the time. I get angry. I get frustrated. If you come for me, you’d better be ready. That’s part of my nature. I am working on that! 💕⁣
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But my primary goal and the place I always come back to is creating a better life for my boys and myself, being a better person, and contributing to a better world. When I am locked and focused on that, nothing can throw me off track. I cannot be bothered, but in a positive way. I cannot be bothered because I’m too busy try to live the hell out of this life.
At the hardest times in our lives, we get tough and into the best shape of our lives. It’s what we do. It’s part of our self-care as a family and part of mine as a woman. We are on Day 1 of Week 3 of @ShaunT’s 6-week #transform20 program, and we are about to climb. These 20-minute workouts are high-intensity and challenging, but we are having fun. ⁣
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The photo in the lower right corner was me in 2013, before I did Insanity, cleaned up my diet, and started focusing my overall well-being. ⁣
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I can remember wondering how I could keep it up during my separation and divorce, being a single, working mom with two kids. But I have/we have. We do a lot as a family and wellness is part of who we are. ⁣
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The photo in the upper left is me today. Six years after the photo in the lower right was taken. Exercise keeps me healthy and feeling young, which matters so much to me and to the boys, who worry if I even say I have a headache. ⁣
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Part of having a strong mind is having a strong body. I believe this 100%. ⁣
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No matter what challenges you’re dealing with, focus on staying healthy and strong. Without your mental and physical health, you don’t have anything.
If we are self-aware, we should be able to see something of everyone in ourselves. Often times those who are most challenging to us are revealing to us what is in us that is most challenging to ourselves. Does that make sense? Often what we judge is in us to be judged. It is hard to separate ourselves from each other, from other people. We are just not that unique. I try to see everyone in me. When I cannot, and sometimes I cannot, I judge. And that’s a problem.
Unfinished business, unresolved issues, broken hearts, and open wounds fester. We cannot continue to let them ooze into our lives. Unsent Letters can be helpful when open communication is not an option.⁣
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Wishing you healing and growth, as you continue on your journey.
It is the really tough stuff in life that teaches the greatest lessons, but they are not always easy ones. ⁣
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One of my greatest challenges is forgiveness. Trusting that it is in my own best interest to forgive and let go has been one of the most valuable lessons I have learned, and even though I “get it,” it’s a challenge. ⁣
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The goal is not to be perfect, but to work towards greater self-awareness, patience, love, and maturity in all parts of our lives. ⁣
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We are all in process. When things are hard, look for lessons. When people are difficult, see them as teachers.
Write, write, write. Write and share not only bad news and negative feelings. Write and share amazing things. There is so much negativity and bitterness out there. Spread love. Choose to be kind. 🧡
SELF-CARE + DIVORCE⁣⁣
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Going through a divorce, regardless of how good or bad the relationship was, is one of the most stressful experiences that many people will ever have in their lives. And the stress ebbs and flows and can last for a long period of time, depending on the situation. Self-care is critical. ⁣⁣
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For me, New seasons and changes in my life were always marked by a new notebook, and my separation was no different. It didn’t happen right away. For the first through months, I think I was in a state of denial, which is a normal response. But around September, two months into our separation, the reality of the struggle ahead became apparent. And I bought and started a new notebook. Even then, it took me time to write about my feelings. ⁣⁣
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While writing anchors me, it is and was not the only way that I managed to look after my own well being, so I could care for my boys. Self-care should be at the top of your list of priorities, and it is hard to do when you feel like shit. ⁣⁣
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• Eat healthily. ⁣⁣
• Exercise daily. You’ll need your strength, the endorphins, and the boost to your immune system. ⁣⁣
• Journal or write to process your feelings and clear your mind, but be careful to use it wisely. Don’t ruminate and stew. Look for lessons, so you can learn and grow. ⁣⁣
• Get enough sleep. ⁣⁣
• Don’t pick up bad habits, like smoking, drinking, overeating, or self-medicating in any other negative ways. ⁣⁣
• Surround yourself with awesome, positive, helpful people. They are your village. You will need them. ⁣⁣
• Try to control your own negativity, especially if you’re angry. It’s difficult to do. My temper is my weak link, so I know. But no good can come from flying off the handle and losing your shit. ⁣⁣
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